How Did I Decide it Was Time to Amputate?

We all have to make decisions in life, some small and some that will forever impact our lives. Two questions I am asked frequently are, how did you lose your leg, and how hard was it to make that decision after I explained that I was the one who made the final decision to have my leg amputated? You may think, “I could never amputate a limb.” To be honest I had the same mindset which is why it took me almost 6 years to finally talk to my physician about what was going on with my right leg. I thought being put on some medication would do the trick and then I could get on with it. It was not until a year and a half later and several specialists that I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. I could keep going on the road I was on with agonizing pain 24/7, depression, and being completely inactive. Or I could take a chance, and have my leg amputated to rid myself of the pain.

My surgeon laid it all out on the table, the possibility that amputating my leg would not take care of the pain, then I would only have one leg and still have the agonizing pain. The probability of dealing with phantom pain and/or phantom sensation. The risk of infection which would lead to having more of my leg amputated. Even though my knee was perfectly fine, he would have to take my knee as well because the pain ended right before my knee and there would not be enough leg left for a below-the-knee prosthesis. Last but not least, once my leg is gone, that would be final. I would not be able to get my leg back if the surgery was unsuccessful.

I thought, WOW! That was a lot of information to take in, and then trying to make that difficult decision that would change my life forever. I think what was the deal breaker for me to amputate was that my surgeon told me he had some tricks up his sleeve to elevate the phantom pain. After hearing that, I was all in. Surgery was scheduled in 3 weeks. I was not thinking in 3 weeks I would be an above-knee amputee but rather in 3 weeks I could be pain-free and in time I could cycle again, mountain bike, learn to ski, hike, make a garden, and even as simple as taking my pups for a walk.

The first thing I asked when I woke up in the recovery room was “Is it gone?” The nurse assured me that it was. I then pulled back the covers and saw for myself that my leg was indeed gone. For the first time in 6 years, I was pain-free. Granit, I was on the “good stuff” as far as pain management goes. But even when my medication was scaled back the pain that had kept me as a prisoner for 6 years was gone. The pain I was feeling now was surgical pain, and I knew that would subside in time. And it did.

The gamble ended in my favor. I have no phantom pain, and the CRPS pain is completely gone. I do however have the phantom sensation where I feel like I have a foot, or sometimes I feel like I have an itch on my lower leg which doesn’t hurt but is really trippy. Yes, I only have one leg, and I do things so much slower than I used to while I’m adjusting to the new me. To be honest, being slower has been good for me. I don’t feel like the Tazmainian Devel, and I am forced to slow down and breathe. For me, I am now more active than I ever was with 2 legs, and not afraid to try new things, and feels good to challenge myself. And because of this, I want to yell to the mountain tops “I’M BACK”